A new book offers some helpful principles for creating the home that all of us desire, without suggesting that the same solutions work for every family. Here are some of the author's ideas.
What does it mean to build a truly good home? This is the question that John Cuddeback, a professor at Christendom College, asks in his new book The Intentional Household. As a parent, this question of giving my wife and children the best possible home is always on my mind. Perhaps you’ve noticed that some households feel vibrant and lively while others feel tense or disconnected. Some places are merely houses, others are homes. Any parent desires the latter, for the family to exude warmth and welcome, a source of comfort and not stress.
A home might be a mansion with the finest in cutting-edge electronics and entertainment systems. It might have a chef kitchen in the most modern style and a massive garage full of fancy cars. It might have the most enviable man-cave and the most beautiful entryway, but if the people who live in that house feel like strangers, it really isn’t a home. There will be no warmth there. One gets the intuition that the house is just a place to have food delivered and separately watch television for a few hours each evening.
On the other hand, a family might possess none of those fancy things but they gather for dinner every night, laughing and telling stories about their day, and their happiness far outpaces that of those with more wealth and possessions.
A home, a truly good home, the kind we all dream about, cannot be purchased. It doesn’t look like a magazine cover. It may or may not include high achievers. It might be urban, suburban, or rural. It isn’t the newest build, and doesn’t need to be in the trendiest part of town. There are common denominators, though, argues Cuddeback, that we would do well to consider.
To this end, he offers a summary of eight principles that we can all follow to make our homes truly happy places to be. I don’t want to share all his ideas, but thought I’d write about a few of the principles that he has formulated.
Making a home takes intention
Cuddeback’s first principle is, “Make household-making a priority.” What he means by this is that a home isn’t really about the building itself but is entirely about the relationships we create and maintain within it. This means that a happy family is always building, but they aren’t building additions and adding new rooms; they’re building their love. In order to accomplish this, we sometimes have to limit other activities and prioritize family. If we become too busy outside the home, we lose precious time together. It’s easy to give all our time and energy to more visible accomplishments – get that promotion at work, run the prestigious committee at church, make the travel sports team – but we only have so much time and, in the end, something has to give.
Prioritizing relationships in the home doesn’t mean we disappear to the outside world, but it means achieving a more healthy balance and not neglecting our home-life. In fact, a happy home-life is precisely what gives us the motivation and energy to go out into the world with confidence.
Technology
The role of technology in the home is a constant discussion for parents. Can the kids have televisions in their rooms? Is it a healthy habit for everyone to disappear to their laptops and gaming systems in the evening? How much is too much?
Cuddeback simplifies and asks the big question that underlies the practical ones – “To what will we give priority in our life?” The basic concern with technology is that it exists in order to quantifiably make our lives easier. That isn’t a bad thing, but if we aren’t careful it can subtly shift our attitude towards over-valuing those things which are productive and efficient. This is how technology begins to addict us.
If there’s one thing a family is not, though, it is efficient. There’s nothing efficient about reading the same story for the 100th time to a child, or sitting around the table for a long time after dinner talking, or teaching your child how to help cook, garden, or work on a home-repair project. These inefficient activities, though, are where memories are made and skills are passed on to the next generation.
The question of technology in the home isn’t as easy as whether to allow it or not. It’s a question of how the technology serves us, and if it does, and if its efficiency is actually desirable in every scenario. If it turns out that, after an examination, we’re the ones addicted to and serving the technology, then everything is backwards and it’s time to make a change.
Multi-generational households
Touching on the same questions of efficiency and practicality, Cuddeback encourages multi-generational households whenever possible. Having not only the little ones around but also our elders is a great joy.
We’ve been fortunate enough to be able to invite my parents-in-law to live in an apartment behind our house. Every day, the younger children wander over and spend time with their grandparents. My wife gets to have her parents around, who are both very helpful with running errands, working in the yard, babysitting, and much more. We’ve loved the opportunity to have them as close as possible. I know other families that have given a bedroom to an aging grandmother or bought a house next door to keep them close -- and I highly recommend the arrangement if possible. Interactions between members of different generations are formative and everybody is happier. And isn’t happiness the whole point of making a household?
No two households are exactly the same, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. This is why I like Cuddeback’s book, which makes basic suggestions and offers general principles to follow so that, when we think about our own home, we can each in our own way be intentional about prioritizing people and seeking happiness for the people we love most.
