How to overcome self-consciousness

I do this odd thing with social media where I type out a whole post and then delete it before publishing because I’m self-conscious. I like the idea of interacting with friends online by sharing opinions and making comments, but whenever I read what I wrote, the words seem so banal and embarrassing. I worry about how people might interpret them. I imagine them reading and shaking their heads at how insipid they are. Or I worry my communication is unclear or too controversial. I don’t want to annoy or anger anyone. Because of this, I often fall silent.

I sometimes get into a similar mode in real-life situations. I think about contributing a point of information to a meeting but talk myself out of it because I’m self-conscious about how the comment might be received. When I was in school, I would only rarely raise my hand during class discussions. Again, because I worried how my contribution might be received.

For a long time, I couldn’t even pray because I kept picturing myself praying and became unsure of what to say next and felt silly. It was like I was outside myself, watching. I didn’t want God to think me self-absorbed or my requests ill-conceived and crude. I would imagine him in heaven, hearing my prayers and turning away in disappointment because I’d asked for unimportant things, the wrong things, selfish things. He might smirk because of my stammering words, the clichés that would spill from me whenever I tried to spontaneously compose an elegant prayer.

To this day, even though I’ve become less anxious about it, I’m still slow to speak in large group settings. I write out my homilies in full text because I’m too self-conscious to externalize my thoughts without first going over them twice. I’ve improved at extemporaneous speaking but will never be a natural at it. I still don’t like praying spontaneously, particularly in front of other people, and I take great comfort in the fixed words and actions of the liturgy. I find the communal expectations that are clearly spelled out in public prayer to be liberating.

I’ve thought a lot about why this might be so. Why is it that a fixed text and a set of expectations (now everyone makes the sign of the cross; now the priest stands and says exactly these words), help me to get my mind off myself?

It seems to me that preparation goes a long way in overcoming self-consciousness. When a self-conscious person knows what is expected of him and is able to adequately prepare, it sets him free. We don’t have to over-think it or drive ourselves wild with hypothetical situations in which disaster befalls. Instead, the focus shifts off the self and towards the task.

For instance, when I offer Holy Mass, I know exactly what the priest is supposed to do and say. I have zero decisions to make and there are no inflection points at which I can stall out in self-obsession. I have a job to do – to offer the sacrifice and lead the prayers – and I focus on the job.

Psychologists recommend that self-conscious people make an effort to turn their focus outward, away from themselves and towards other people and the shared endeavor.

For instance, in conversation, focus on listening to the other person and engage with their thoughts, rather than pre-planning what to say next. In prayer, think about the people who are being prayed for rather than how polished the petitions are. If it’s communal public prayer, be attentive to the other people who are also praying and focus on the connectedness of the community. A huge mistake that self-conscious people make is thinking that everything is all about us. In this sense, self-consciousness is a sin of pride. Learning to forget about ourselves and pay attention to others begins to heal not only the sin, but also the resulting self-consciousness.

I remember one time I had a persistent cough and was having terrible problems with singing. I often sing the priest parts at Holy Mass but it was becoming challenging because, whenever I would try to breathe, a tickle in my throat would make me cough. My singing temporarily devolved into a series of coughing fits and weakly vocalized, pitchy chant because I couldn’t get my breath to support the singing. After a few days of sounding really bad, I apologized to a few parishioners and promised I would improve soon. Their response was that they thought I sounded just fine and hadn’t noticed any issues. It turns out, they’d been busy praying and weren’t obsessively looking for ways to critique me. Their feedback was invaluable in a few ways. First, it was a good reminder to check my pride. My “performance” at Mass wasn’t as vital as I thought it was. Second, it helped me to receive rational feedback, which allayed my irrational, imaginary fears about how others were perceiving me. My self-consciousness, it turned out, was completely unfounded.

The Mass readings for today include the words of Jeremiah, who says, “I hear the whisperings of many… ‘Denounce! let us denounce him!' All those who were my friends are on the watch for any misstep of mine.” It seems that the prophet struggled with self-consciousness, too, which led to him feeling ostracized and alone.

The way he solved the problem was to recall God's presence, remembering that his mission was not in vain, and then shifting his focus to praising God. In other words, he stopped looking inward so obsessively, trusted his preparation, and turned his attention to God.

We don’t need to be afraid. We don’t have to move through life as disconnected individuals who everyone else is looking to judge. We don’t have to be always on the defensive against embarrassment and mockery. Yes, mistakes are made, but we’re all in this together. Most important, God is on our side. We are never alone but are connected to him and each other. We are here to give, to love, to create. God tells us exactly what to expect – that he will love and forgive us always.

The paradox is that the less we think of ourselves the more we become ourselves. Self-consciousness is a trap of pride. It’s become very clear to me that it’s time to get over myself and shift focus. Let God take over. Love him. Love the people around me. Every time I’ve managed to do so, I’ve become happier. I’ve become more comfortable and pleased to be just who God made me.