Friendship has become strangely complicated in modern life. Many people now have hundreds of contacts, countless group chats, and an endless stream of interactions online, yet still quietly admit to feeling lonely.
Adult friendships, in particular, often end up squeezed somewhere between work, family responsibilities, exhaustion, and the increasingly seductive appeal of cancelling plans to stay home in sweatpants. And as we're consumed with our hectic lives, we make an excuse: Who really has time for friends anymore? It's one of those reflections that rolls off the tongue easily, but can have lasting damage.
Very few things in life survive entirely without time and attention. Relationships, gardens, marriages, faith, muscles, sourdough starters — all eventually wither if neglected long enough. Unless, of course, you happen to be one of those mysterious people whose ZZ plant thrives happily in the corner of the room despite complete abandonment.
Interestingly, that same idea surfaced recently in Pope Leo XIV’s new encyclical, Magnifica Humanitas, in which he encouraged people to “take care of our relationships.” Reflecting on increasingly digital societies, the Pope warned against forms of isolation hidden beneath constant online connection, while emphasizing the importance of real human presence, conversation, friendship, and community life.
His declaration is a simple phrase, yet one that feels increasingly relevant in lives where friendship is often treated as something that should somehow maintain itself automatically.
That is partly why a simple idea shared by American social health expert Kasley Killam has been resonating with so many people recently.
In her book The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier, Killam reflects on the way modern life often leaves people socially undernourished despite being permanently connected digitally.
One practical idea she proposes is what some have called the “5-3-1 rule” for friendship. The numbers themselves are not scientific commandments or a magic recipe, but rather a gentle reminder that relationships usually need rhythm and regularity to survive:
Three key numbers to nurturing relationships
Three: Each month nurture at least three close relationships.Take the time to have a few deep and meaningfuls, listening as well as speaking.
One: Try and dedicate one hour in total each day to meaningful social interaction. Whether it's a quick chat at the coffee machine, a couple of minutes talking to the postal worker, and a 45-minute phone call with a parent, these interactions might be short, but they all build up to something sweet.
In fact, Killam frequently speaks about the importance of treating social connection as part of our overall health rather than as an optional extra squeezed into whatever time remains after work and obligations. As she explained during an interview on The Mel Robbins Podcast:
“Connection doesn’t have to be time-consuming for it to be meaningful.”
Now that thought alone probably comes as a relief to many adults who already feel overwhelmed before another social commitment even appears on the calendar!
Because friendship does not always require elaborate weekends away or perfectly organized dinner parties. Sometimes it is simply the five-minute phone call while driving home, the message sent while waiting in line for coffee, or the voice note saying: “I thought of you.”
Few things shape daily happiness more reliably than having someone to send a ridiculous message to, someone who notices when you disappear for a while, or someone with whom silence feels comfortable rather than awkward.
The demands of adulthood
The difficulty is that friendship changes as people get older. Childhood friendships are often built automatically through school, sports, neighborhoods, or university life. Adulthood demands something far less convenient: intention.
Suddenly friendships must compete against commutes, careers, relationships, children, tiredness, and calendars booked three weeks in advance. Many people therefore end up waiting for friendship to happen spontaneously instead of quietly maintaining it through small, regular gestures.
And perhaps that is why both Pope Leo’s reflections and Killam’s rule resonate so strongly right now. Most people are not really searching for more notifications, more followers, or more online visibility. They simply want to feel remembered, welcomed, and accompanied through ordinary life. And building your own community can be central to not only your own happiness, but the happiness of others.
If you'd like further advice forging great friendships, look below at the nine secrets the French use to build strong friendships:
