Embarrassment -- we’ll do anything to avoid it. That hot, flushed feeling in the face, the quickening heartbeat, the mind going numb ... it's a worse feeling than physical pain. Fear of public speaking is widespread, and there are people who would much rather skydive while clutching a handful of spiders and snakes (the other three very common fears) than give a five-minute presentation in front of a crowd of their peers. It isn't necessarily the speaking that frightens us -- it's the possibility of embarrassment. What if you lose your train of thought, or involuntarily say ummm a million times, or accidentally say something completely wrong?
I speak in front of crowds of people for a living, so I can relate to the anxiety. My first few attempts at giving a homily I basically blacked out, my legs shook and I clutched the pulpit like I was lost at sea and it was a life raft. I don't even remember what I said. I was just trying to survive.
Later, when I became more comfortable with public speaking, I felt bold enough to attempt a joke or two. Big mistake. Humor is a subtle art form and, while I could occasionally manage to elicit a pity laugh, one of my attempts at humor fell so incredibly flat that my parishioners just stared at me. I felt my face redden and vowed then and there to never tell a joke again when speaking in front of a crowd. I never wanted to feel that kind of embarrassment again.
The funny thing is, public speaking isn’t even the most common way in which I embarrass myself. At Holy Mass, my role as a priest involves a good bit of unaccompanied singing as I chant through various liturgical prayers. Usually I get the chant close enough that it's satisfactory. Occasionally, I bungle it and lose the melody entirely or my voice cracks or I forget how to sing one of the parts that have to be memorized. The first few times this happened, I was mortified. These days, though, I've become used to the idea that, as a priest, it's inevitable I'll make mistakes in front of large crowds of people. What helped me come to peace with this is that, whenever I'd make a mistake, literally no one would point it out afterwards. I realized that everyone is on my side. They're not looking for opportunities to embarrass me.
The main character
The problem of embarrassment is, at least partially, related to ego. The reason I get embarrassed is because I’ve convinced myself I’m the main character, as if everyone is watching me, thinking about me, paying attention to me, and they’re so very disappointed if I’m anything less than perfect. I have an out-sized opinion of my importance and the truth is, if anyone notices something awkward that I do, they’re more likely than anything to simply reassure me it wasn’t a big deal and then they forget about it.
That is, if they even noticed. There’s a phenomenon called the spotlight effect that tricks us. Essentially, it’s a cognitive bias by which we overestimate the extent to which our actions, appearance, and behaviors are noticed by others. Other people, it turns out, are preoccupied with their own issues and don’t notice us nearly to the extent we think they do. Once I realized this, I was both humbled and relieved. I’m less important than I’d thought I was, and this knowledge is liberating.
My teenagers haven’t learned this lesson yet, though, so I’m still capable of regularly embarrassing them. Less solicitous of my feelings than my parishioners, they freely let me know when I'm “being cringe.” Instead of feeling ashamed about it, though, I've come to embrace it as my fatherly duty. This isn't because I have some twisted sense of humor and think it's hilarious to mortify my children (although it is kind of funny), but because I've realized that it’s important to help my children get over their self-consciousness and be themselves.
Do you want a boring life?
Sure, anyone could make fun of any hobby, effort to try something new, or just being goofy and having fun. Anytime we’re being sincere, we’re vulnerable to embarrassment. We can't let that stop us. If we're constantly concerned about what others think, our lives will be boring. We'll never take a risk or try a new thing, never let ourselves go enough to live in the moment. I love doing embarrassing things and I love pointing out to my kids that I'm not embarrassed of it because, first, if I’m having fun that’s more important and, second, no one is really paying all that much attention to us anyways. Life is too short to pretend to be cool or censor ourselves from what we really love because we don't know how others will react.
I've started telling my kids that one of my goals in life is to "cringe-max." My vibe is my own, and if what I do and say is uncool, well, I'm too old at this point in my life and have embarrassed myself so many times already to worry about it anymore.
I always think about something Vincent Van Gogh once said: “One mustn’t be afraid to do something wrong sometimes, not afraid to lapse into some mistakes. To be good — many people think that they’ll achieve it by doing no harm — and that’s a lie… That leads to stagnation, to mediocrity.” Van Gogh famously painted embarrassingly bad pictures that no one wanted to buy. He never stopped painting, though, because it brought him joy. Today, those paintings are hanging in museums, which makes me think his advice is well-taken. If we want to make something beautiful with our lives, we can’t worry about embarrassing ourselves.
Jump in with both feet. Live with joy and individuality. Don’t apologize for it. It’s boring to hide in the crowd, so go ahead and do what you love.
