How to fix broken communication: an unlikely starting place

How does it seem as though two people are talking past each other? Or that two people are firmly convinced that, individually, they’re in the right but the other is in the wrong?

I’m amazed at how frequently I misinterpret the actions of others or ascribe completely erroneous motivations to them. The result is broken communication, a mess of misunderstandings and frustration. It’s funny, we can even catch ourselves in the act of misinterpreting someone but, yet, go ahead and do it anyway.

There’s a way to fix the habits that lead to broken communication, and I’m going to suggest an unlikely starting place -- the 9th Commandment (or the 8th Commandment according to the Catholic numbering of the commandments; I was using my old Protestant Bible when I wrote this, so I refer to it as the 9th).

The Commandment is, “Thou shalt not bear false witness.”

I admit that I have trouble keeping several of the commandments but it had seemed easy enough to not break the 9th. That word “witness” always made me think of a courtroom and providing testimony as a sworn witness for the jury. I’m rarely in a courtroom, have never testified in a case, and if I were, it would be simple enough to not lie. So, this is a commandment I would always safely gloss over in my examinations of conscience. The 9th was a little respite on my way to the 10th -- “Thou shalt not covet” -- which takes a lot more out of me (it’s embarrassing how much I want and how envious I can be).

But is the 9th really that easy to skip past? I was making a lot of assumptions, assumptions that any good examination of conscience won’t allow me to get away with. My modern mind, accustomed as it is to a court system and trials by jury, was identifying a witness only in connection with an official legal process, or with outright lying when asked a question about someone else. This is not at all accurate.

The truth is, as often as we’re speaking, we’re witnessing. Every word is its own testimony. Negative people often bear false witness against the blessings they’ve been given. Cynical people bear false witness against hope. Angry people bear false witness against the need for forgiveness. Bored people bear false witness against wonder. What might seem to be harmless gossip bears false witness against others.

It seems to me that our words have great power to shape perception, and if we use our words wrongly, our thoughts begin to shift towards the lie. False witness is a serious thing because, over time, it separates us from reality. It destroys our ability to communicate.

When I was a child, for instance, I was fully capable of sulking in the midst of a birthday party over an alleged slight, convincing myself that my parents were out to get me, and that the distant makers of a video game had a personal vendetta against me and were cheating to help my brother win. My parents would insist they weren’t singling me out, my brother that the game wasn’t rigged, but I wouldn’t hear them. I couldn’t. The patterns of my words and thoughts became a false witness that distorted everything.

This is still happening today.

I’ve never taken the stand in a courtroom but I bear false witness constantly. I’m not so concerned to malign the reputations of video game makers and hold unfair grudges against my parents, but I do have the constant habit of misreading the words and actions of others. After examining my conscience, I think I may even be doing it intentionally.

Perhaps you’re familiar with the paradox that we judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions. For our selves, how often do we plead innocence because “my intentions were good?” This is false witness. If the action was harmful, bad, or mistaken, responsibility must accepted for the reality of what actually occurred, not explained away.

Conversely, how often do we dismiss the explanations of others for their mistakes? They might try to explain their intention only for us to quickly cut them off and refuse to see how their action was born of a pure motivation. This also, in a way, is false witness. We refuse to understand any possible goodness to the action.

When I assume imaginary motives in others, I’m breaking the 9th commandment. I’m bearing false witness against them. And when I gaslight and pretend that my own bad actions weren’t all that bad, I’m breaking it again.

Thinking about it this way really helped me to understand that what I’d thought were harmless little self-justifications and gossipy thoughts aren’t really harmless at all. They’re direct violations of God’s law and make honest communication impossible. This is when misunderstandings arise, and assumptions, and misconstruing everything. It’s when we say things we don’t mean, and then double down instead of apologizing.

For me, simplifying the whole mess to the 9th commandment made a world of difference. I needed to stop sinning against others (and God) in the way I communicate. By making this one simple fix, I’ve made progress on a host of problems and managed to moved somewhat from a contentious communication style towards a collaborative one. I want to hear the truth. I want to speak the truth. With God’s help and a commitment to maintain true witness, I truly believe that even the worst communication habits can be fixed.

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